The Reason of Deteoriating Family System In Pakistan

 The Reason of Deteoriating Family System In Pakistan

I have been wanting to talk about this issue since long. You must have heard lots of pod casts and discussions on this topic as its the trending thing in our country nowadays but I am going to bring to light a very different and important perspective today. Being able to closely see this in my real life and sensing the danger, nobody talks about it. The main reason that I think has been destroying our family hierarchy and system is role reversal. Other causes being the effect of media, westernization of the society, cultural impression etc. 

Now lets talk about what I mean by role reversal. It means that when you are giving a male role to the lady of the house. With the introduction of Women Empowerment, giving them jobs to earn for themselves as well as for your kids

I believe it is a good thing, to begin with but our society has specially taken it and utilized it in extremely wrong ways. No doubt its a great thing for women to be able to help men in earning for their households, fending for themselves as well as their children but primarily it is the responsibility of man to provide.

The Quran says 

Men are the protectors and maintainers of women, because Allah has given the one more (strength) than the other, and because they support them from their means.

This Ayah clearly says it all. Earning is solely the responsibility of man of the house, due to which he is The Man of the house. Even fending for his woman is his responsibility, not hers or her parents. So if the women are sharing the burden, its not her responsibility so she needs to get some burden of herself off her shoulders to maintain equity. A working woman needs to be waived off of her responsibilities partly or completely depending on her contribution. 

 Now here comes the twist. Our society has started this trend that women study so much and then they work and earn and fend for themselves as well as their kids. But they are never spared of their inherent duties like taking care of the house, taking care of the kids and other stuff (home politics etc.) Here our men become rigid and devoid them of their basic rights even. This puts lots of pressure and stress on the woman who was born to be weak. Men being men of our society have been taught in such a way that whatever a wife or her family does for them is their responsibility and since they are men and live in a patriarchal society so they are entitled to everything. This is a wrong concept. and this is the root from which the problem we are talking about originates.

Mother and child share bond of the womb with each other. If we study science, we can know that all the mitochondria (energy/power house of the cell) originate from the mother. It also has a DNA inside that's exclusively maternal in nature. A father cant give it to either his daughters or sons. Having said that, the child and mother are a unit devised by nature. A father's role is secondary. Given the spermatic material, a woman is fully capable of having a child and raising it alone while even if given the egg, a man cannot even produce an offspring, raising it is secondary. So a thing that keeps him in the life of kid is that he is the provider. This was the reason women in the past could bear a toxic relationship for life.

In the current times, women not only have become more independent but also socially aware.  The things that were unknown to women in the past are now household. This is the reason why we see and hear lots of homes being broken due to infidelity of the husbands or their toxic behaviors or the toxic behavior of the in-laws. The divorces used to happen in the past too because sometimes, some people make lives hell and the only way to live is to leave them. Sometimes family disputes or in-laws create so much misunderstandings between spouses that such misfortunes happen or some other major issues but they were not so common before. Our media and social media are also responsible.

Despite all this and what I know and have seen around me, many socially well aware women choose not to break their homes even in the face of toxic husbands and in-laws due to societal pressures, kids or religious obligations. Some women still choose their families over themselves so a generalization is not logical and correct but they live miserably.

Now how can a husband help? Obviously he cant bear children for his wife. He cant feed them. But he can help her in household chores, take care of kids for sometime to relax his wife, not burden her too much when she is tired, not mock her on her shortcomings as he must have some too but she doesn't points out for peace in the house, not pick unnecessary fights and not get influenced by the ear poisoning by his family and friends. He should love and care for his wife and help protect and nourish her. Above all he should realize she is an individual who has her own identity and no matter what he does, she shouldn't lose that. These points are overly emphasized in Islam for housewives too but they carry a very special meaning when the wife is earning member of the family. Remember she is doing Ahsan on you by sharing your responsibilities. Its not her duty and if she is doing your work, you should reciprocate her by sharing her workload. Her job isn't only for her but for you and your family (wife and kids are the responsibility of man) and fending for you and your family is in no way her obligation. 

Another misnomer that is common in our society is that taking care of husband's parents is wife's responsibility. Under no rule of law or Sharia is this true. Islam has made it obligatory for children to take care of their parents in old age. But not in-laws. Like taking care of wife's parents isn't mandatory for her husband but its the wife's responsibility and vice versa. This creates lots of unrealistic expectations which leads to misunderstandings and unnecessary stress. The Holy Quran has mentioned countless times about taking care of your parents, wife and children but never ever mentioned in-laws. Its not even ever mentioned in the Hadith or our law. Joint family system is also a Hindu concept. A man is supposed to be living with his spouse and children and same goes for wife. If they are living together, it should be made pleasant rather than telling a wife again and again that its not your home. Technically after she left her home and married a person, his home is her home forever. These sort of things were neglected in olden times but not anymore.

 Also whatever the wife is earning is hers, under no conditions is she answerable to her husband or anyone else of her spending's. She should be accountable of her spending from her husband's income but not hers. So this should be avoided as it creates unrest and bad feelings in a woman's heart. It is a common observation that in-laws taunt the wife that she spends their relative (her husband) 's income on her parents. Now this taunt has been replaced by she is spending her income on her parents. 

Firstly even if its the husband's income and she shouldn't spend it on her parents, still no one other than the husband has a right to inquire her. Secondly if its her own income, she can spend it wherever she likes and not even husband has the right to interrogate her about that. Thirdly false blame/slander/tohmat is a punishable crime in Islamic Law so for the sake of duniya as well as aakhirah it should be avoided. 

Last but not the least (though its a separate topic. We will discuss about it sometime later) giving Mehr is a religious obligation which people ignore, either write a very minimal amount or don't give at all while dowry (jahez) is considered a necessary commodity which is in no way permissible and totally a non-Islamic practice. Not only that but women are taunted, tortured, beaten to death and divorced for that. Please stop that.

Due to these reasons, most women prefer to live separately from their in-laws as the thought of showing their superiority over her, taunting her with sarcasms everyday; sometimes questioning her training or abusing her parents, too much interference in between spouses' personal matters and everyday lives even intimate relationship and kids makes modern day working women annoyed of this culture. Women were annoyed before also but now the numbers have multiplied because every saas wants a dr bahu who looks like katrina, walks like kareena, earns like saifina and works like maasi sakeena but they wont change themselves even a bit and will still talk like Chingez Khan so practically its impossible because

If you want an angel from heaven, try to make yourself deserving as angels don't live in hell

In my observation, if a husband stands up for his wife against the insults of his family and don't let them foul mouth about his wife and keeps a good rapport with his spouse, everything can be solved. If he realizes his responsibilities in a household and that after marriage, in addition to his parents and siblings, he has a wife and kids to give rights to, love and nourish, this rate will decline significantly. Normally husband wife never have such major issues as to seek separation. But the immediate family of both the man and woman often escalate the situation. So Islam has clearly instructed 

A garment is supposed to hide the nakedness and also provide warmth and comfort to the bearer. So in other words the spouses should keep everyone, including their families out of their lives. This includes matters of everyday living also. So if only we abide by the rules set by Islam, we can make things better for us as well as others. Even in this material world, real and virtuous women prefer caring and respectful men and this never changes. This is evident from the fact that Korean Dramas gained popularity worldwide even when many of them are just about love and respect and even if some women don't admit that but the way to a woman's heart is through care, love and respect. Mostly arranged marriages thrive but love marriages fail because love fades away with time but respect stays forever.